Do you find it hard to speak up and advocate for your ideas? Is there a little voice in your head doubting every move you make? Do you wish those voices would shut up?
Perhaps you should try talking to yourself.
This method works for Jam Delcambre, a technology business manager at The Pokemon Company International. Her past experience of being the only woman on her team is one that continues to be prevalent as the tech industry makes its slow climb toward gender parity, and that journey was rife with an internal monologue of self-doubt. Delcambre found that talking out loud helps, and suggests other women give it a go.
“You are in your role for a reason. Use that as a mantra. Heck, say it to yourself in the elevator or the car until you believe it, to pump yourself up,” said Delcambre.
Verbalizing ideas, affirmations and concerns can be a powerful method of slowing down your thoughts. Despite its association with wackiness, researchers have found that self-directed or private speech can help mediate emotions and foster self-affirmation. There is something powerful that happens when thoughts transcend the abstract and we force them into words. Magically, the loud, clanging doubt inside falls away.
In talking to others who have been the lone woman on their teams, we discovered that mollifying a timorous inner monologue was a common obstacle.
It was a revelation when Jeel Thakkar, a backend software engineer at Seattle-based Mason, realized that she was being way harder on herself than anyone else was. “I learned it wasn’t the people on the team who put this pressure on me; it was society’s narrative in my head,” she said.
Though it’s easier said than done, women should do their best to dismantle that narrative and push forward. “Ignore that inner voice of politeness telling you to wait your turn, and just jump in and speak up,” said Leslie Wyles, a senior vice president at Seattle-based Xealth.
After all, there are upsides to being the only woman in a department. For one, diverse perspectives are gold for a team’s success. For another, there must be a first time for everything, and lone women in tech are clearing a path for others.
Here are the other lessons Delcambre, Thakkar and Wyles learned from slaying their inner saboteurs and leading the way for other women in tech.
What’s the biggest challenge you’ve experienced being the only woman on a team, and how did you overcome it?
My biggest challenges were often not with other people, but my own thoughts and expectations. Taking time to assess my feelings made it clear that I had convinced myself I wasn’t adding value before saying a word.
This concept sounds simple and echoes hundreds of relationship management think pieces on the internet; but for me, it’s more than keeping an open mind; it’s about protecting my brain from wallowing in negativity.
I actively think about where I have underlying assumptions that color my reactions. This allows me to adjust my thought process before engaging. Making this kind of assumption does a disservice to others; but more importantly, it sets me up for failure because I’m putting myself into a negative space from the jump.
I verbalize my concerns out loud to clearly define the issue. Really this is just a fancy way of saying I talk to myself, but it works. Questions such as, “What’s the realistic outcome of submitting your idea for this project?” allow me to work through the possible outcomes free of the jumble of thoughts that might be bouncing around in my brain.
My biggest challenges were often not with other people, but my own thoughts and expectations.”
What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned as the only woman on a team, and how has it helped you develop your career?
It’s vital to identify advocates and sponsors and develop relationships with them as soon as possible. Find the folks who look you in the eye when you talk, ask you if you have anything to add during conversations or ask you directly for insight. These are the people who are primed and ready to be your advocates and allies. Find ways to engage with them and develop relationships built on trust that you can rely on when you need support.
Ask your training department to help you find classes or conferences to broaden your skill set. Ask your peers and managers for advice on what to learn. Reach out to HR about mentoring programs available at your company. If there aren’t any, ask someone you’ve identified as a critical team member to mentor you.
The key to building successful and productive relationships is to extend your hand first — or these days, give a friendly wave over Zoom. Don’t wait to be introduced to people.
What’s the most important piece of advice you would offer to other women working on male-dominated teams?
While building solid relationships is crucial to your success, your health and welfare are priority number one — you can’t support others if you’re not okay. Build or strengthen that toolkit and use it as a foundation to navigate challenging spaces.
We’ve all heard the advice about sticking up for yourself, leaning in and being bold. I believe that to be successful as a woman in a male-dominated space, you have to figure out what you care about before you even step into the room.
Women often feel burdened with shouldering the whole of inequality, but you can’t boil the ocean. No single person is responsible for righting all the wrongs in the world. You are more likely to be successful in creating an equitable workplace if you clearly define your boundaries early.
You can’t boil the ocean. No single person is responsible for righting all the wrongs in the world.”
Determine what matters to you; think about what you value and do the work to determine what’s worth your time and what’s not, then stick to it. Rather than trying to own resolutions for all of the infractions you encounter, pick your battles. Narrowing your focus gives you more credibility when you raise an issue. It also saves your brain from processing all of the things, which is exhausting.
Mason is a mobile infrastructure-as-a-service company focused on smart devices.
What’s the biggest challenge you’ve experienced being the only woman on a team, and how did you overcome it?
Self-doubt is the biggest challenge I’ve experienced as the only woman on a team. My teams have never made me feel different or special because I’m a woman — I receive the same treatment, amount of work and responsibilities as any other back-end developer at my level. Yet, why am I so harsh on myself? I created these walls of self-doubt and self-worth in my mind that stopped me from voicing my opinions. I knew my opinions added a different perspective but doubted whether they added any value. What I needed to understand was that all perspectives add value because they see the problem at hand through different lenses. It sounds so simple, yet I couldn’t see it clearly.
I was the one creating these walls of self-doubt and self-worth in my mind that stopped me from voicing my opinions.”
What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned as the only woman on a team, and how has it helped you develop your career?
I once made the mistake of prioritizing work over my family to prove my worth and missed the wedding of a close cousin. It was a courthouse wedding, not the actual ceremony that would happen later in India, but I wish I had been there for him since we’re his only family here in the U.S. I felt the need to go above and beyond at work at the time to fulfill the high expectations I had created for myself. I later realized I did this because I felt like I couldn’t show my team my vulnerable side in the beginning of my career.
I was about to do the same for his ceremony in India since I’d just started my job here at Mason but a friend pushed me to be honest with my team, and the reactions were so positive it made me realize that I needed to be there for myself and my family in order to show up for my team. Since then, I’ve been putting my personal life at the same level as my career, and it’s helped me be fully present at work and a better team player.
What’s the most important piece of advice you would offer to other women working on male-dominated teams?
Going into a male-dominated team as the only woman is not a weakness. Don’t let that preconceived notion get to you; rather, turn it into your strength because you’ll have different opinions that will encourage productive discussions within the team. Stop being your own enemy and change your mindset early on.
Xealth is a platform that seeks to organize and integrate digital health tools and programs into clinicians’ practices.
What’s the biggest challenge you’ve experienced being the only woman on a team, and how did you overcome it?
I am a fairly quiet individual, but when I have opinions, I will share them for all to hear. I had a boss once who often told me not to interrupt during calls or meetings. I did much self-reflection on how I was representing myself and then realized if I didn’t speak up, I would not be heard. Men are more likely to interject, and in this situation, it seemed to my boss I was interrupting, but I had to push forward in order to share my insight and opinions. Ultimately, I became a valuable ally and advisor to my boss because I was persistent and did not give up on being heard.
What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned as the only woman on a team, and how has it helped you develop your career?
Communicate when you feel excluded and suggest other options that work for you. The latter half of this statement is the most important — always make sure to suggest other solutions if you feel the problem you are concerned about isn’t being addressed. Two things I find most important working at a startup, and at most companies, is to be a work finder and a problem solver. Those traits will always help you keep moving forward. If you find you are stuck, there are a lot of opportunities. Find the one that fits you.
What’s the most important piece of advice you would offer to other women working on male-dominated teams?
Don’t be afraid to speak up and share your thoughts and opinions, even if they are not popular ones and sometimes it means talking over someone. Each perspective brought to the team is valuable — a woman’s opinion in a group of men is valuable and worthwhile to share. Making the team you are on a success will pave the path for other women to join that team and ultimately lead to a more diverse work group.
Making the team you are on a success will pave the path for other women to join that team and ultimately lead to a more diverse work group.”
