Every woman has heard it: Don’t be emotional. Instead, be assertive and forceful and push as hard as you can to succeed. Be as confident and forward as the men in your workplace — you’re not getting that promotion because you don’t advocate for yourself. If you leave behind your soft, caring feelings, then you too can be a #girlboss.
This is bad advice.
Not only is it unlikely to help women break the glass ceiling assembled by generations of discriminatory workplace practices, but it is deeply unhealthy to the women practicing this heart-hardening, making it impossible for them to bring their authentic selves to a job that takes up a large portion of their time and energy. On top of all of that, such advice ignores the positive effects that empathy and emotional intelligence bring to a workplace.
The World Economic Forum reported in early 2020 that 90 percent of top performers in the workplace were high in emotional intelligence, and that it accounted for 58 percent of job success. In the current workplace climate — where stress and burnout are rampant — the ability to understand oneself and connect with others is even more important.
As “don’t be emotional” is a classic example of bad advice for women, Built In Seattle wanted to hear more from those who have lived it first hand. We asked women from ExtraHop, Routable, Accolade and SoFi to share the worst career advice they’ve ever received, and the alternate advice that has helped them succeed both personally and professionally.
What’s a career “myth” that women hear a lot that they’d be better off ignoring?
Every woman out there has heard the statistic that men apply for jobs when they meet 50 percent of the requirements, while women only apply for jobs where they meet over 90 percent of the requirements. There are variations on this statistic — and it may very well be made up — but it’s often trotted out as one of the reasons that men advance more quickly than women. It’s also used as pseudo-career advice: Who cares if you’re qualified! Apply anyway! It’s what the guys do.
Here’s why you should ignore this: Nothing about this advice helps you become more confident in your ability to do the job. Yes, it might prod you to apply for the job or ask for the promotion, but it’s for all the wrong reasons. You’re not doing it because you feel qualified, you’re doing it because you think you have to in order to keep up. You’re doing it because you fear that if you don’t, you’ll be left behind. It does nothing to build your confidence.
Trust in yourself to take on a new challenge, trust in your own resourcefulness and creativity, and trust that when the moment comes, you’ll rise to the occasion.”
How would you reframe that advice in a way that’s more helpful?
I’ve heard this advice recast in a few different ways, but here’s my favorite: Trust that you can land the plane, even if you’ve never flown one before.
Really, it’s the same advice. It’s about encouraging people to stretch themselves and reach for new opportunities. But instead of casting it in terms of playing catch up, it’s about building self-assurance and trust. Trust in yourself to take on a new challenge, trust in your own resourcefulness and creativity, and trust that when the moment comes, you’ll rise to the occasion.
If you start trusting yourself to land the plane, you’ll find that it becomes much easier to fly next time.
What’s the worst career advice you’ve received?
Some of the worst career advice I have ever gotten was from a loved mentor who was just trying his best to look out for me. I was in a position where my company acquisition timed with me being a few months postpartum. So there I was, looking for a new place to work with a relatively new baby.
This mentor was helping me look at places and giving me advice along the way. I got an interview with a company that I really liked, and he told me: “Don’t tell them you’re a mother and you have a new baby in the interview process.”
He meant this advice as a way to protect me from the bias employers can have against mothers — particularly new mothers — and he wanted me to be judged on my experience and work alone.
This advice, while well-meaning, was terrible for me. The interview process is just as much you validating the company as them validating you — if they don’t value mothers, it’s ideal to find that out in the interview process. Don’t tie yourself to a company that doesn’t live your values, or you’re setting yourself up to be unhappy.
Don’t tie yourself to a company that doesn’t live your values, or you’re setting yourself up to be unhappy.”
How would you reframe that advice in a way that’s more helpful?
If you’re a mother, be open about it with the companies you’re talking to — let them know that you value work-life balance and want to find a place that can allow you to not only meet your goals in your career, but also your goals as a mother. Any company who would disqualify you on the basis of being a mother is not the right company for you anyway.
I’m so happy I didn’t follow my mentor’s advice on this, and that I was lucky enough to find a company that provides me with the balance I need to have the career growth I wanted and be the mother I’ve always wanted to be. I got to be excited when I told my new bosses about my second pregnancy — instead of filled with dread — and I never feel shame when my toddler decides to march in mid-meeting.
What’s a career “myth” that women hear a lot that they’d be better off ignoring?
That you can be good at your job or be a good mother, but if you try to do both, you’ll end up failing in both areas.
When you’re on a team, you don’t have to do everything yourself.”
How would you reframe that advice in a way that’s more helpful?
You can be good at both — the key is having a strong team and learning to delegate.
I put off having kids for a long time, choosing to put my career first. I always assumed that having kids would force me to slow down and make compromises at work. When I became a people leader and more pressure and responsibilities were put on me, I even mentally prepared myself to give it all up once I had kids. I couldn’t even imagine a way to juggle it all.
Yet here I was this past year — being promoted to senior director and mom within a few months of each other. I knew I didn’t want to give up my career, but as I got to know my daughter over maternity leave, I dreaded the days I’d have to say goodbye to her for eight hours each day.
The thing that helped me was seeing my team again and remembering how much they also needed me. It also reminded me that when you’re on a team, you don’t have to do everything yourself. As a manager, you learn the importance of hiring good people and delegating work to them. There are certain things that I choose to do myself — depending on their importance and urgency — but mostly I delegate work to those on my team that are just as, if not more able to do it.
What’s a career “myth” that women hear a lot that they’d be better off ignoring?
One of the biggest myths that women hear is that they should not get emotional — essentially, don’t cry at work — which is problematic for two reasons. First, it ignores the full spectrum of human emotion. But secondly, and more importantly, it completely flies in the face of bringing your authentic self to work, and clouds your ability to just focus and be present.
Your excitement, your passion, your disappointments and your frustrations all act as clues for others to take note of when things are going well or not so well.”
How would you reframe that advice in a way that’s more helpful?
Show all of your emotions, but adjust them appropriately to the situation. Your excitement, your passion, your disappointments and your frustrations all act as clues for others to take note of when things are going well or not so well. In some cases, these emotions help others account for what might be going on in your life outside of work, too. Check in with yourself and the reactions of your teammates to see if you need to make any adjustments, but make sure you’re always clearly communicating your point of view and stay true to you.
